6/13/06 09:28 pm - beer.
I never have stopped mourning my poor dog, prince, who got probably stomach cancer and died while I was in Spain. I'm drinking so I don't care that I'm saying any of this. today is a despair, not because of him, but because I don't know what to do, mostly for a career, I have no direction, and I feel that I should, but in its place is an absence, a lack. I haven't been ready for this at all during college, and now... I just feel lost- no skills, not a whole lot to offer anyone, and well, not that bright. I usually temper it with doing something with s. who is better than anyone with taking my mind off of something I don't really want to think about, but since he's off again, I can't. the sadness just consumes. I don't know what to do.
It doesn't help at all that since I've tried to start writing again, it all comes out in shit and the lovely voice I loved from long ago is gone. in it's place is a stilted hesitant constipated and self-conscious liberal arts crap fest. the only reason I hated carleton: too many touchyfeely writers eager to express themselves and show with flaunting crassness their command of language, talking about their latest shitlove and the poor poor state of their middleclass life, or racism and how everything is so fucking hard. I can't pass it. I can't forget it. It makes me envious and shames me at the same time, because, after all, who am I trying to kid?
I want to be a unique snowflake. if only.
6/13/06 09:13 pm
today's biggest food sin: beer and brownies.