Donna velata

word.

I'm drinking now. I apologize.
I swore in front of a class.
I'm super insecure at the job I love
because I

oh I'm way too drunk to type.

oh sad. I'll try to update at some point since it's been so long, I'm sorry.

I'm fine and wonderful. como siempre. hay nada mas para decir.

Okay. I'm done.

I never have stopped mourning my poor dog, prince, who got probably stomach cancer and died while I was in Spain. I'm drinking so I don't care that I'm saying any of this. today is a despair, not because of him, but because I don't know what to do, mostly for a career, I have no direction, and I feel that I should, but in its place is an absence, a lack. I haven't been ready for this at all during college, and now... I just feel lost- no skills, not a whole lot to offer anyone, and well, not that bright. I usually temper it with doing something with s. who is better than anyone with taking my mind off of something I don't really want to think about, but since he's off again, I can't. the sadness just consumes. I don't know what to do.
It doesn't help at all that since I've tried to start writing again, it all comes out in shit and the lovely voice I loved from long ago is gone. in it's place is a stilted hesitant constipated and self-conscious liberal arts crap fest. the only reason I hated carleton: too many touchyfeely writers eager to express themselves and show with flaunting crassness their command of language, talking about their latest shitlove and the poor poor state of their middleclass life, or racism and how everything is so fucking hard. I can't pass it. I can't forget it. It makes me envious and shames me at the same time, because, after all, who am I trying to kid?
I want to be a unique snowflake. if only.

today's biggest food sin: beer and brownies.

steven flying again. that is all. I think he took my cooking fancy dishes urge with him. and definitely the contact solution. drugstore trip!

#1:
mushroom quesadillas-
flour tortillas, mushrooms, bit of cumin and some garlic
cook mushrooms w/cumin and garlic in a pan on MED HIGH. move to a plate.
margarineize a flour tortilla, one side- the one facing the pan.
cook the tortilla on a pan for about 20 secs, then add some cheese and some mushrooms. wait until the cheese just begins to melt, then fold over tortilla or add another, similarly buttered, if you want a big one.
flip when the first side is brown and take off when all the cheese is melty and the other side is browned! yum.

#2:
pasta a la sara-
whole wheat pasta, as much as you want, some frozen spinach, cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, garlic.
cook pasta.
while pasta's a going, cook in one tbsp of olive oil the tomatoes, whole with little "x's" on the bottoms, and in a separate pot thaw the spinach.
pasta's done: drain and add it all together, throwing in some garlic, about 2tbsps of olive oil, lotsa mozzerella cheese and maybe some basil.


I'm really proud of my culinary efforts.

For those of you who might still care whether or not I go to grad school (there can't be many who are still interested in that drama, honestly) I have decided to wait another year. I talked to my dad after much a-worry and a couple of really tensed up days this weekend, and I am completely positive that this is the right decision. I was actually really worried that my mom would throw a tizzy and get all shrill on me, but luckily, she wasn't the one who answered the phone. My dad calmly and very kindly told me that he remembered a time when everyone was going to grad school, and he wasn't and that was just the way his life went. I needed that small albeit essential confirmation from him that putting off grad school wasn't going to ruin my life completely. So, now that's all done with, I finally feel that I can kinda sit back and actually just enjoy life, which I haven't ever really done.

This revelation came after a great talk with my friend Lauren, who I will miss completely and utterly when she moves to chicago next month, and after visiting with steven's cool rappahannock friends this weekend. They aren't quite as ambitious and driven as some of the other carl students, and that was really refreshing 'cause I realized that grad school after college ISN'T an immediate go-to for a lot of people and I have a disproportionate amount of loved ones that are very awesome and wanted to continue their educations. I maybe always felt that it wasn't going to be the same for me, but when I was applying to grad schools, I was crazy homesick for steven and I was pulling at any strings I could to get out here and be with him. Now that I'm actually here, I love coming home from a day at work and hanging out with him.

I am not slacking. I have jobs.

Drama solved.

p.s. I recommend jonathan coulton for anyone who needs a laugh- I saw him this weekend and he's hilarious. find him at jonathancoulton.com

no work since I'm between exhibitions, and steven is away for three whole days out flying. so, what's a girl to do? I'm torn being very productive today and just hanging out- I was going to go and visit my gad schools today, but I really think I'll be happier doing it on wednesday- more prep and all. And I went on a hike yesterday and I feel a little sore. and I want to decorate and watch movies and clean the house, and I think I'll be a little more clear-headed if I just go visit them later. Of course, I might be a little more clear headed if I just NOT GO to graduate school, because no matter how I'm slicing it these days, I can't get excited. Maybe because of the money, maybe because it sees like such a huge step in the direction of a certain CAREER, which is apparently a bad thing. So I'm going to suck it way up and all and try to get through it. however, I have armed myself with some facts about the two schools, and gw is clearly coming out way victorious. It's a harder program with more involved (and I do want to waste my money on a good education), better rated professors, not all feminist progressive new-agey (like American) and a little closer to home. So, as contrary as this may sound, I'm going to go to gwu, I just will get on that soon. procrastinate? me. never ever ever. Instead I'll rip my guts out with pent up worry about what I should be doing rather than going and doing it. bleh. I'll do it wednesday. yes.